


a hair's breadth from lost

by kaeda



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Episode Related, Hugs, Love Realization, M/M, Pining, Protectiveness, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25530496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeda/pseuds/kaeda
Summary: Caduceus is back, luminously real, talking softly with Jester by the embers of a dying fire. Fjord can’t stop watching him, cataloguing all the ways he’s whole.Spoilers for campaign 2, episode 103
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 35
Kudos: 246





	a hair's breadth from lost

**Author's Note:**

> **Note (11/12/20): this fic was written before Cad was confirmed aro, and I wrote this fic with the headcanon that he was gray ace and reflecting my own gray ace/demi experience. I hope you will still enjoy it even though it's no longer an accurate portrayal of Caduceus's orientation.**

It isn’t until afterwards – after chasing Caduceus, fighting Vokodo, getting their things back, and watching the villagers emerge from Vokodo’s mind-fog effect to horror and fury – that Fjord really has a chance to think about what it all means. He’s been running on fear and adrenaline for nearly 24 hours when Caleb finally sets up the dome slightly outside the village. Caduceus is back, luminously real, talking softly with Jester by the embers of a dying fire. Fjord can’t stop watching him, cataloguing all the ways he’s whole.

He still doesn’t understand, and it frustrates him beyond words. He and the Nein have been in countless harrowing situations, they’ve faced down certain death – hell, he recently _died._ While none of those situations were easy, not a single one of them had left him stuck in his own racing thoughts, unable to calm himself. When he closes his eyes, he can still see Caduceus in front of him, feel Caduceus in his arms struggling to get free, to swim towards deadly danger. The thought in his mind - he’d fooled Vokodo with the Star Razor, so Vokodo would take him from him the thing that truly was—

Fjord sits with that thought, for a long moment. _The thing – the person – that truly was precious to him._

His eyes catch on Caduceus’s form once more, still hunched alone over the fire, Jester gone to hassle Beau about something. Is _that_ what this is? He plays with the idea for a moment, just to see. Is it possible that somehow, somewhere, without even realizing it, he _fell in love with Caduceus_?

His heart feels too big for his chest, warm beyond imagining. He thinks about Caduceus, about how beautiful and smart and funny and _so incredibly wise_ he is, and he wants to shout out about it to the treetops. The words don’t feel wrong at all; they fit the situation like a glove, and it explains the cold fear that’s still coursing through him, the what-ifs that threaten to drive him mad, the thought that he could have lost Caduceus and how that makes his blood run like ice in his veins.

Caduceus seems to sense his eyes on him, even without dark vision and from so far away, and he turns to glance back towards where Fjord is sitting. Fjord’s heart catches in his throat as Caduceus stares back at him for one long heartbeat before lumbering to his feet and slowly making his way across the clearing. It grows darker around him as he approaches, leaving the glowing circle of the campfire, and Fjord wants to wonder how he even knew he was there – but that’s how Caduceus is, isn’t it? He’ll always find Fjord.

Caduceus slowly lowers himself to sit next to Fjord in front of the dome, and the two of them coexist in silence for a moment. Fjord breathes in deep, allowing himself one small moment of appreciating the slight scent of tea and something woody that always accompanies Caduceus. Their shoulders are less than an inch apart, and his eyes catch on that gap and his pulse quickens. Now that he knows the truth of his feelings, he feels arrested in this moment, with no idea how to move forward.

“I never said thank you,” Caduceus murmurs finally beside him.

Fjord can’t help the ghost of a smile that threatens him, even as he’s strung taut as a bowstring from lingering fear and the surprise of his revelation. “You don’t need to thank me,” he replies. “You’ve done it for me countless times over. I just returned the favor.”

He glances over. Caduceus’s eyes are fixed on the ground in front of him, something in his expression downcast. “Don’t minimize what you did for me,” Caduceus admonishes. “There’s something about this place…I just _hate_ this island.” The scowl on his face is rare and out of place. Fjord wants to lean over and smooth the expression from his mouth, maybe with his own. The flash of desire startles him, even though it shouldn’t have, not with the knowledge of how he feels about this man suddenly laid out starkly in front of him.

“It would appear this island hates you, too,” Fjord attempts as a joke, and Caduceus turns his scowl from the dirt to aim it directly at Fjord. Too soon, probably. “I’m sorry. It’s not funny.” He breaks eye contact, looks away into the shadows around them, and says in a way that catches in his throat, “we almost lost you.”

Caduceus’s frown vanishes and his half-hearted glance at Fjord turns into true scrutiny, studying him with his usual intensity. Fjord sweats under that gaze, sure that his feelings are probably written plainly across his face, and continues to avoid eye contact.

“Fjord,” Caduceus says at last. “You didn’t lose me.” Fjord forgets how to breathe as a slightly-furred hand takes his, grasping his palm, tracing his fingertips along the lifelines. “I’m still here, Fjord. I’m okay.”

Fjord doesn’t think at all – he grasps Caduceus’s offered hand tightly. Caduceus makes a small noise of surprise, but Fjord is already in motion to pull him close. Fjord isn’t a person who hugs anyone – the Nein all know and respect his need for space – but in this moment, he can think of nothing better than to pull Caduceus’s lanky form into his arms and hold on to him with all his might.

Caduceus is warm and solid beneath him, a slight rumble of a laugh escaping him. He puts his arms around Fjord, pulling him in closer so that Fjord’s head is tucked up in the crook of his neck, and _oh_ , if Fjord had known hugs could be this nice, he’d have been hugging every member of the Nein every day since he met them.

They stay in the hug a heartbeat too long, but Fjord can’t find it in himself to let go. He rests his forehead against the curving bone of Caduceus’s shoulder and breathes in deeply, letting that woody scent envelope him. He moves lower, rests one of his ears against the plane of Caduceus’s chest, and listens for a long moment to the steady drumbeat of his heart. Caduceus is alive. Caduceus is _fine._

Caduceus releases him slowly and Fjord reluctantly pulls away, embarrassed at the strength of his reaction. He doesn’t meet Caduceus’s eyes as they part.

What does Fjord know of love? He’s never had it, not like this, and it scares him more than anything in the world.

“I should get to sleep,” he says abruptly, getting to his feet. “You should rest, too; you’re out of spell slots.”

“I’ll join you in a moment,” Caduceus replies. The expression on his face is troubled, and Fjord realizes he intends to Commune with Melora before falling asleep. He leans down and squeezes Caduceus on the shoulder before fleeing into the Tiny Hut, ignoring Jester and Beau’s wide-eyed questioning looks and burrowing down in his bedroll.

He tries to sleep – he really does – but the thought of Caduceus heading down that tunnel haunts his thoughts. The hug has settled the adrenaline somewhat, but he’s still freaked out, far more than he wants to admit. Slowly, the other Nein settle down into sleep around him, but Fjord continues to keep his eyes shut tightly, trying desperately to will his brain to stop thinking.

There is a footfall, then the whoosh of displaced air as someone sits down next to him. A moment later, a warm body curls up against his back, barely touching him. “Is this okay?” Caduceus’s comforting voice murmurs behind him. He’s so close that his breath tickles Fjord’s ear.

Fjord makes a small noise and rolls over towards him, burying his face in Caduceus’s chest and letting Caduceus pull him in.

They don’t talk about it. Instead, they lie in silence like that, holding one another, Caduceus’s steady heartbeat echoing in Fjord’s ears, until Fjord’s brain finally, _finally_ stops whirling in circles and drops him into sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want more Critical Role of the Fjord/Caduceus variety, please come join me on [tumblr](https://the-kaedageist.tumblr.com/)!


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